The last six months have been a painful season for me, my husband, and our group of friends. (Friends that are in the faith and closer than a brother, where iron sharpens iron.)
It has been painful because of people, circumstances, and ourselves. We have had to confess much and have been transformed by the Lord.
Let me tell you something I am sure you know already: It is quite painful to be transformed by God, to be stretched, sifted, and grown.
It is hard when this happens once. It has been week after week for six months for all of us, for our group.
The Father loves us. We are His image bearers, so He will not leave us where we are. Nope. He sifts us like wheat and chaff, and refines us like dross and silver.
And why does He sift and refine us?
Stop and ponder that for a moment. Answer the question, please, before you read ahead in this journal entry.
I have, at times, thought He did it to challenge me and/or punish me. But is this reality?
This morning, I thank the Lord, He gave me a new perspective or point-of-view. I am giving Him praise, honor, and glory because of it.
I just realized that since things have happened that caused great pain, and I have done wrong things and missed the mark, I have been quite hurt and beat-up. It has been very personal to me. I feel it every single day, and oftentimes throughout the day. My enemies have surrounded me and I have made mistakes. So this has been very personal.
I wonder what all is wrong with me.
I wonder why He has allowed it.
I know without a doubt I deserve no grace whatsoever.
I also believe I deserve punishment and discipline for what I have done and for how I have missed the mark.
(I also have known the wrong thinking with all of those. But those admonishments and fears still come.)
Adonai (God) just revealed something to me about all this that I just journaled this morning (and what a lesson to learn!):
If we are in pain, and/or realize we have done something wrong, that is very personal. Of course. But when it is personal, we tend to act more off of emotion than off of thinking things through. And when we focus on emotion, and act on emotion, this leads to us not thinking clearly or rightly, and we tend to think and do foolish things. And this gets us in trouble. It compounds our pain and delays healing. This also means we do not turn to God like we could or should. Nor do we hear from Him like we could or should.
Therefore, I have foolishly and stupidly thought through this season of pain I deserve it and He is disciplining me. And that the enemy was doing His greatest work in and through the circumstances.
Umm… not really.
Rather, the Father is sifting and refining me and my life because He loves me. He does not want anything to hold me back from living freely and fully in Him. He is getting rid of the junk that prevents me from abundant and fruitful living, where He can work mightily. He wants all of me, not part of me.
I cannot fully know Him or His will if I have junk that prevents me from being all in at all times.
Sifting and refining is about relationship with Him. He loves us. He wants us to be set free (fully healed; not encumbered) and to live fully for Him. It is how He shows us His great love.
So I need to quit taking things so personally.
And I need to thank Him for removing the junk in my life so He can be my all and at all times. After all, every moment of this painful season has been a blessing. They have driven me to Him and have helped me trust Him even more. Glory!
Journaling 1189 